Hey folks. Today I have a big topic I wanna share some thoughts on: Love. Probably a topic people can write a master thesis on. But I don´t wanna jump into a too deep psychological analysis about love. I just want to give you some ideas about it that you might have not considered yet.
Love is something that comes from the inside
Okay maybe that is too straightforward. We all know that love is a big emotion that comes from inside and this is what we all want. What makes us humans equal. But so often we misinterpret our feelings. Because on the emotional range of feeling “love” there might appear attachment and lust as well. And those have nothing to do with love, but may give you a similar feeling. So where are the differences and how to find out?
First of all, love is a choice. It is already there and you express it to the outside. That means that real love can never have a dependency to something outside. It´s your choice to tell and show someone that you love him or her in all the ways you can. This is a selfless act, because it comes from the inside. Nobody but yourself is responsible for that choice. And this act of selfless giving and expressing is a source of inner peace and balance. That is how love feels.
Why attachment is not love
I am sure everyone of you has made the experience, that you met someone and instantly fell for that person. Urged for their presence and attention, just wanted them to be around and felt like ‘this must be the one’. And there always came the point where all what you putting in that idea and wish turned into pain and drama. They did not respond to the level of attention and affection you were giving. So what happened is that you tried harder to get more in return but eventually just ended up in drowning yourself. That was not love!
When you are attached to someone, your feeling of “love” is dependent on something outside. This is related to fear and anxiety. We fear to lose someone so we push them to make ourselves feeling better. This feeling of “love” is not your inner choice, but you require action from the outside to make you feel good. You are allowing somebody else being responsible for your feelings. So when you feel fear or rejection in the course of getting to know someone or when you´re already in a relationship, this might not be the real love you want for your life. Everybody has different attachment schemas and it is important to get to know them. The better you know when a feeling is really love or just a trigger for attachment, the better you can handle yourself and minimize the ‘drama’.
–Yasmin Mogahed
“Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency and has more to do with love of self than love of another.”
Last but not least, there is lust. Lust is only based on physical attraction. And when this reaches a high intensity it can as well be mistaken for love. I am not telling that real love can´t evolve from lust. There are a million possible ways to build love. But the real love is something that comes from the within and gives you peace and balance. It is not created by fear. So from time to time it might be a good idea to inspect yourself and ask, if what you are feeling is real love?
Love has many dimensions
There is romantic love, motherly love, brotherly love, friendship love, and so many more. And no matter what dimension of love you choose, everybody will have a total individual perception of that love. So when partners tell each other “I love you” they both don´t mean the same. Because the feeling and the sensation inside is different to everybody. This is why real love is about acceptance. You need to accept, if your best friend is not someone who calls you regularly even if you wish him to. You need to accept, if your partner is not good in giving compliments even if you wish him to give them regularly. All this has nothing to do with you but with how they are. It doesn´t mean they don´t love you. But everybody has different ways to show and express love.
How to start building better relationships based on love?
I went through everything I mentioned above. So often I was not able to accept, to trust and to build something peaceful. And still today I have trouble with those patterns. They are responsible for ruining friendships and relationships. And this is all about myself. It´s easy to tell it´s always the others who ruined something. But I think in most cases it is our own fault, probably because we are driven too much by fear, by not being able to trust and accept enough. There is only one way of helping yourself. Practice awareness for your feelings. Be honest to yourself. And be open to heal your wounds!
- Practice patience – Good things will always need time. Take one or two steps back and chill. You need to tell yourself, that all is good. Don´t push. If it is love they won´t leave you.
- Inspect your feelings – If you feel fear (“don´t leave me”) or an anxious need to be with someone, those are great indicators that you are not coming from a place of peace and balance.
- Create awareness and learn to differentiate – There are plenty of books if you feel to need help on differentiating feelings. Re-write the stories you´ve told yourself about what love is and what not. If there is something that held you back living the relationships you want to live, you need to learn to overcome your self-sabotage. And this will need time!
What are your opinions and experiences on love? Tell me your stories in the comments 🙂
